November 7, 2008

I have a Secret

It’s true, but don’t judge me on it, K?

See a couple of weeks ago my beloved did the sweetest thing. I had been having a hard week at work as a co-worker was on vacation and I had the pleasure of doing her job too. And I did the whole going in early and staying late at work and all that. I called my Beloved out my way through the parking garage and mentioned that I was so looking forward to relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath.

You already figured it out didn’t you? Well that and you peeked a look at the photo. Yes when I got home there were candles lit in the bathroom and roses and rose petals scattered about. No fooling, I’m not kidding. The bubble bath was drawn and I got naked and slid in. Here comes the secret, well almost. I know what you are thinking this is so awesome she is so lucky to have a man that loves her so much and I agree cause it’s true, true, true.

I lay in that bubbly tub and cried. Not the sobbing moaning groaning kind of crying cause I don’t cry that way. I like to do it alone and quietly. I guess it’s that whole venerable bull hockey thing that I built a long time ago. Anywho, why cry you may ask? It wasn’t that I was so happy about having such an awesome husband that loves me that much. Well sorta it was. No it was because it is not fair. It’s not--right! Damn it! Well not exactly that either…

I am a firm believer that fair is a man made concept and there is no fair and unfair. What is fair if one person has a disease and someone else doesn’t? Do we want everyone to have one? No, we don’t want anyone sick, but just because we want that and we may see it as a perfect answer doesn’t mean it will happen. In fact I believe we have been told that there will always be the poor with us. Poor isn’t always about money, it can refer to poor in body, mentality, or spirit. That said I do believe that the way we handle adversity is a reflection of our Christianity. I know that God will do what is best, even if we don’t like it. I proclaim this and am steadfast even when backed into a corner, as the other will try to force me into.

I cried because I was sad and afraid. I know I shouldn’t be afraid but hey I do have some faults. The Oncologist ordered a retesting because some of the numbers were a bit high. And that just kind of upsets me, to think that my beloved would have to start chemo and all the normal crap that goes with it. It is excruciating for me to think of him having any pain and that makes me cry.

And there you have my secret I get sad and afraid of Multiple Myeloma invading and destroying my beloved.

Not the kind of secret you may have been hoping for but it was my secret anyway and now it’s not.

Not any more.


Zephra said...

I understand. I hope the cry helped a little.

Cez said...

There's no shame in crying. Thank you for sharing your secret.

Jeni said...

And now that it's out in the open, a secret shared, no longer secretive, perhaps that is a part of healing too, you know. It opens the door to allow some of the emotional stressers out anyway and also, allows for many others to offer up prayers too for aid, sustenance, understanding, whatever the need may be.
Peace, my friend -and Faith.

Linda said...

This is a beuatiful post. I too am constantly struck by the contingency of life. Your hubbers sounds like a wonderful, warm man; enjoy the now, no matter what the circumastances. It is all anyone has, really.

My uncle also lives with MM. I understand... peace, Linda

kimmyk said...

awww. hugs girlie.
its okay to cry especially given the circumstances.
i'll be saying a prayer...


Abandoned in Pasadena said...

It helps to share secrets with others and I'm sure that all of us will be praying for your sweetie.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

You wrote that beautifully, Paige. You were so right to cry and share it with us.

Here's something else. My mother had MM as well.

Tim Rice said...

There's no shame in crying. I'm praying for your hubby and you right now. May you and your hubby find solace in the midst of your hard times.

karen said...

"to think that my beloved would have to start chemo and all the normal crap that goes with it."
It makes me sad that this is "normal" crap for you.
I already knew your secret, sis. Crying is good. Continuing prayer for you both. Love.

Jannie Funster said...

This is an "old" post but made my cry too.

You're in my thoughts always.